Societal Norm Can Be Wrong! Here’s an Alternative.

Wabinab
6 min readJun 25, 2022

(These are more opinionated, and there are no right or wrong. Bear this in mind while you read through.)

Have you ever stand outside the society, observing or even witnessing people within the society interacting? Have you ever observe yourself while you’re interacting within the society (in groups with other people) from a 4th person perspective, noticing how you shape the society (with others), and how others (as a society) shape you? Have you ever stands on the boundary of society, or even outside it, to question societal norms; and the more you think, the more you conclude (some part of) the society is “wrong”?

“Wrong” can be “not at its peak”, “not the best solution”; and it could also be “wrong target”, “norm being preserved should not be what we, as a human, actually aim for”, “focusing on the wrong thing”, “focus on things that aren’t the most important to each individual in the society”

When someone first started something, and people think this is great for something, the first generation creates the societal norm. Then, future generations follow. It’s the unwritten (and maybe written) rules on how things work, assumed best for the society. Though, it’s not always the best, though. If it is, there wouldn’t be so many self-help books out there.

Consider work. Perhaps the CEO at the top works from early morning (8am) to night (10pm); people below the CEO follows. The CEO works so long, don’t you feel shy to work less? Gradually, that becomes the societal norm. Then, it create workaholics (and some anti-workaholic groups). Then, it damage individual health. Then, the norm is to visit hospital and get some medicine, not exercise.

Yes, there are quite a lot of people whom exercises; but we can’t really say they’re majority. It seems a lot; but that’s because the others may be in their office or home, so we can’t see the rest of them. We can only make conclusion if there are proper research and tally, and prove to me that, majority of individuals do do enough exercises.

So, when you start questioning societal norms, you started to notice all sorts of problems. Conventionally, we accept them by choosing to be blind to the problems. We enjoy ourselves anyways, so who cares about any problem? If we start noticing problems, we feel an urge to solve them, and notice we couldn’t solve the problem but can only change ourselves, we drift farther and farther away from the society. We either find another group that also wants to change the current societal norm, or we get isolated from the original group with our weirdness and non-fitting to the original group. Perhaps most that want societal acceptance more than to solve the problem will fall back, join back the group, forget about what happened, and be blind to the problem. Others drift further apart, eventually break away from the group as they no longer share what kept them together in the first place.

Societal norm exists originally to provide individual meaning to their life. Individuals originally only want to fit into the society, without any meaning to their life. As we grow, schools taught us to find meaning for our life; but those meanings we found mostly are others’ meaning, not our meaning. The meaning are created by others, not us. Most of these are common (and broad, non-specific):

  • I want to be rich.
  • I want to be happy.
  • I want to be popular.
  • I want to be at the top (of the ladder).
  • I want to have a (happy) family.
  • etc.

Sure, that’s certainly exist already right? You want that because others want that, right? Because others have that and you don’t have so you want that right? Ultimately your desire are shaped by the society, by what others have and what you don’t have, and you set an anchor to climb to where they are right now, and have what others don’t have. You aim for someone else’s position, so your meaning is derived from others, you didn’t make your own meaning.

And if there other meaning? I don’t know. It’s too difficult to find people whom make their own meaning, whom prefers to not get influenced by the society. Because a stereotype meaning of “successful” only applies to those that stays within the society, those that follows the convention; when you get out, you no longer have someone to look forward to. You search for your own meaning in the dark, no one to guide you. You create your own goals to achieve that differs (most probably) from those around you. And you find the majority of your friends (if not all) not searching for their own meaning and you’d be: “Why are everyone following the path laid ahead by the previous (few) generation(s)? Why, after hearing myself out, they aren’t willing to search for their own meaning too?” Perhaps the rare might follow your path; but most of them would ignore anyways.

“No one to guide you” is not actually always true. If you found someone with higher “meaning-making development” than yourself, they might be able to guide you through. Though, it’s another story on how to not follow their meaning and really find your own meaning; so guidance is guidance, not solution. A guide can only bring you along the road for that long; and the rest, it’s all on you.

Several years into meaning making, one understand that one can’t influences anyone to step up on the road. One walks on it alone (currently), only knowing from online research (see resources) that there are others whom are on similar path as one does. One gave up influence people to join myself, and watching them walking their path is as enjoyable. Though, one feel quite jealous actually, to not be able to walk their path anymore after the realization. It certainly isn’t easy, and growing higher than societal norm aren’t always advantageous; but one did not regret one’s decision to grow. The advantage that it brought me, the early realizations, one conclude it superseded staying blind and follow the norm.

For one:

  • Striving for making close (intimate) friendship (relationship) is more important than work. If you have the opportunity to go out with a close friend (that’s “always busy”) (or someone that you want to deepen your friendship with), go for it rather than complete your work (school work, home work, or work’s work). You can always do work anytime, but you can’t speak with a friend always. And believe me, if you’re the one who’s “always busy”, you never get idle, and you never get the opportunity to speak with your friend (without being occupied by your work) with full attention.

Your goal influences your decision. When you decide what to give up and what to persevere. When you decide what to pursue and what to ignore. When you decide what (decisions) to persist and what to let go. Whatever your goal is, your decision circles around that goal. And if you start feeling, “this should not be it”, perhaps question your goal: are they really what you want? Or just something you aim because others want/have?

You’re in grave danger if you don’t even have the time to find your meaning in life. Example: all my time are put into activity XXX and YYY and ZZZ, and I can’t take more, so now I have no time to stop thinking.

Be careful!

Ok, no conclusion. Things are clear. Though, the society needs conventional people; and it also needs post-conventional people. That’s what makes up a society right? Majority + Minority. Majority for stability; minority to question and push changes.

Ok let’s stop here.

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Resources

(this article is first written on read.cash)

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Wabinab

Software, ML, and NEAR smart contract developer.